The Compassionate Friends - "The Gift" to Bereaved Parents

The following is a poem, written by The Compassionate Friends (TCF) founder Joe Lawley:

The Gift

I have a gift. 

I did not want this gift, it meant suffering and pain.

The pain came because of love.

A love which had manifested itself in a child.

The child brought its love to me and asked for my love. 

Sometimes I did not understand this. 

Sometimes I did not appreciate it. 

Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love. 

But the love persisted; it was always there. 

One day the child died. 

But the love remained. 

This time the love came in other forms. 

This time there were memories; there was sadness and anguish. 

And unbelievable pain. 

One day a stranger came and stood with me. 

The stranger listened and occasionally spoke. 

The stranger said "I understand", and did. 

You see the stranger had also been this way. 

We talked and cried together. 

The stranger touched me to comfort. 

The stranger became my friend as no other had. 

My friend said "I am always here", and was. 

One day I lifted my head. 

I noticed another grieving, grey and drawn with pain.

 I approached and spoke. 

I touched and comforted. 

I said, "I will walk with you", and did.

I also had the gift.

Founded out of tragedy in 1969 by Joe and Iris Lawley and Bill and Joan Henderson when, after both suffering the loss of a child, the families were introduced to each other by Rev. Simon Stephens who recognised the relationship could be helpful to both, The Compassionate Friends (TCF) organisation offers support, comfort and understanding to other bereaved parents, in a way only those who have suffered the loss of a child can begin to comprehend.

I recently "discovered" TCF in York and the following is an interview with their regional coordinator, Liz which I hope will provide useful to our readers.  Going forward we will be updating the blog with news of the activities and meetings of the TCF groups in our area and beyond.

Please could you share with me what The Compassionate Friends (TCF) do and offer?

TCF can give parents, grandparents and siblings a huge amount of support if they would like it.  There is the Helpline, available from 10:00am to 4:00pm, 7:00 – 10pm daily, 365 days of the years,( 0345 123 2304).  Also Local and Group Contacts, Supportive weekends throughout the country.  There is a postal lending library with over 1200 books covering aspects of grief and bereavement and up to four books can be posted to the bereaved, monthly newsletters, fabulous website and is very easy to manoeuvre, various Facebook Groups, leaflets written by a wonderful team of volunteers on all aspects of bereavement.  There are forty leaflets including factsheets and a handbook.  TCF also has eight Specialist Co-Ordinators, I am the co-ordinator for When Our Child Has Died Through a Road Traffic Incident.  All the Co-ordinators offer one to one support

How did you come across TCF?

I personally did not find TCF until 3 ½ years after my son Nick died.  I read a book called Relative Grief, which covers bereavement for family members, friends etc.  The Helpline TCF number was at the back of the book.  I can remember reading this book and I found it really helpful, as when your child dies you feel so isolated.  I put little bits of paper in the book as a bookmark and again can clearly remember thinking “I feel like that”.

Please could you share a little about you and your experience?

The first we knew of Nick’s death was a knock on the door and the police were standing on the doorstep.  Our son died at 8:45am and we did not find out that he had died until 9:45pm.  Nick was riding his motorbike on the way to work on Saturday 15th November 2003.  He undertook a van in what originally was the outside lane on the North Circular Road, London.  There was a slip road that became the inside lane and a car had broken down on the way to have an MOT.  Nick went into the back of this car and died at the scene.  I collapsed on the kitchen floor and when I eventually stood up, I was a different person.  When you are bereaved, your whole life changes in a flash.  You feel as if you are going mad, losing your mind, lack of confidence, in some cases loss of close family friends and family members at a time when you need the support.  All sorts of sometimes irrational thoughts can pop into your head, lack of sleep, appetite, confidence to name just a few things.  The list is endless and constantly changing all the time.

How did your loss affect your family and how did they help you to cope/you help them to cope? 

My husband and I could not grieve together as the death of our son was just “too big” and so we struggled to communicate with and be there for each other. Talking to other bereaved parents helped me to see that it was very normal for everyone to grieve differently and not to have the energy or strength to be there for other family members particularly as each family member’s relationship with their child or sibling is different and unique. Everyone does what they can to survive the early weeks, months and years. I couldn’t support my mother either as I once told her very harshly that I couldn’t support her, it was enough just trying to stand up and breathe myself. I would not say that now, but in the early days that was so true. I did all my crying either in the shower or driving in the car.

How have TCF helped you?

TCF has helped me tremendously and is the only charity that offers peer to peer support.  We all have a unique relationship with our child and our bereavement is also unique, but if another parent says that they are having a bad day then you actually do have a greater understanding.  We are all in a club, that by choice we would certainly not choose to be in, but we are in this club for the rest of our lives.  I have met some fabulous people through TCF and many people, myself included, feel that TCF is like another family and I have also made many many friends.  When you are bereaved your address book changes as sometime other friends will walk away. I think they are frightened with what they see in us and they are worried that the same thing might happen to them. In the early days, bereaved parents are bowed, grey, very sad, sometimes angry and to actually speak to someone who understands is just amazing.

What should you expect from TCF/ a TCF meeting?

The group meetings are very gentle and I think the important thing is TCF will never make you do anything that you don’t want to. Again you are meeting other bereaved parents and actually to be with someone who truly understands is so helpful. Through this, friendships are made, yes we do talk about our child but can actually have a laugh and share experiences. Most importantly we can talk about our child, people will listen and will not shy away or shun us because our child has died. As time goes many non-bereaved become uncomfortable talking about our child, when all we want is for someone to remember them and say their name. Our support groups also offer reassurance, guidance, comfort and hope for the future – that it is possible to re-engage in a meaningful way with life again but most importantly that this does not mean that our child is forgotten, in fact, we always continue the bond with them even as time goes by.

Can you share any advice for someone who would like to meet you but is afraid they are going to breakdown or pull everyone else down with their grief when others are perhaps further along in their journey?  i.e. they worry they will set back others?

We are all in the “club” and that everyone understands. I have found that no one has ever pulled another parent down as it is intuitive that a bereaved parent, who is further down the dreadful road that we have to tread, will reach out the hand of comfort, compassion and support. I attended my first TCF National Gathering nine years after Nick died, and saw other people further down the road of bereavement and to actually see them conducting themselves like “normal” people gave me such hope that things would get better. Parents can feel they are ‘going mad or crazy’ especially in the first few months or years but attending a group or speaking to another bereaved parent can help them to see that what they are feeling or thinking is normal and that they can feel differently as time goes by and they learn to adjust to a ‘new normal’. I think one of the very important things that helped me was that I only “did” what I felt ready and able to do in my own time and when I had done that I put a mental tick in a box. Many people find ways to help themselves, whether it be yoga, pilates, running, sudoku to name but a few, we all find a way.

Are there any costs involved in attending TCF?

There are no costs in attending a group meeting but any monetary contribution is always welcome as TCF is a self-funding charity and gets no support from the Government. You can a become a donating member of TCF and have a monthly standing order for however much you would like to donate. There are bursaries available for parents, grandparents and siblings if there is financial hardship if they would like to attend a supportive weekend. All of our leaflets are free to bereaved family members.

What have you learnt about yourself through your journey?

I have learnt compassion and empathy and also eventually great strength.  What used to really annoy me was that I was told that I was a “strong woman”.  I certainly wasn’t and didn’t appreciate being told that.  We are all different, have a unique relationship with our child and no one has the right to express views about us especially to our face!  Yes, I have become stronger but it has been a long lonely journey.  In the early days and this took an awful lot of thinking about.  I gave myself permission that if I had a bad day that was okay as I wasn’t hurting anyone.  The bad days over a period time got less, and eventually, after a long time the bad times could often only be brief, but it did not take much for the huge tsunami wave to appear again and engulf me.  I also gave me permission to greave for my son every day for however long I am on this earth.  These two “permissions” helped me so much and took the pressure off me.

Please could you share anything positive that has happened?

One of the most positive things that has happened is that I now have a very good relationship with Nick and a strong loving bond with him.  To the non-bereaved, this would appear to be very strange, but again only people like “us” get this.  I have many plants in my garden that have been very carefully chosen with Nick in mind, these are very important to me.  My involvement with TCF has and is playing a huge part in my life and through this, I really hope that I am helping other bereaved parents.

If you could give one piece of advice to others in the same situation as yours, with the benefit of hindsight, what would it be?

Just be kind to yourself and do whatever whenever you feel able to do it.

Thank you to Liz for her kind contribution to this post, we look forward to learning more about TCF and the support they offer parents in future posts.  Liz is available for telephone and online support via Zoom for any parents reading this who think this may be helpful.

Taking Loving Care of Your "In Loving Memory"

When you suffer the loss of a loved one the array of things you need to do can be totally overwhelming, from the moment they take their last breath and you find yourself thrust into collecting their death certificate and having to register their death to the minute they are buried or cremated and you have to acknowledge this is a final "goodbye".

The only remaining thing for you to do is to decide how to mark their final resting place - what kind of a memorial will you put in place for them - and who can you trust to help you and guide you through the range of options open to you?

This may be the last chance you have to put into something tangible all the love and feelings you have for the person you have lost and, further, create that special place you can visit where it's ok to grieve.  A place to take time to think and remember the good and bad times - shed a tear or two and in time a place which will become part of your healing and acceptance that life will never be the same again.  It is also a place for future generations to visit and learn about their heritage.

Whilst a funeral director may have a limited catalogue of standard memorials they can offer you "off the shelf" they can be lacking in the knowledge needed to offer a full service to you.  They may not, for example, be able to advise on the cost of a permit for the memorial or the sizes and any other rules or regulations applicable to your chosen place of burial.  Buying online can also be risky and impersonal.

Monumental masons are much more experienced and better placed to advise you on the available options and, if you want something truly unique to you, their expert designers and draftsmen, together with a team of craftsmen artists, stone carvers and stonemasons will be able to take your thoughts and ideas through from concept to completion to create a fitting and beautiful memorial.

One such company who specialises in doing just that in and around the Yorkshire area is family-run J Rotherham.  The Rotherham family have been creating distinctive stone memorials for over four generations, indeed the stone carvers and masons carrying on the tradition in the business today learnt their skills at the hands of Joe Rotherham Senior, who still keeps a watchful eye over the business.

I asked a group of J Rotherham staff what they felt was important when helping their clients to choose and create a memorial?

First to answer was Matt Allsopp, who runs their showroom in Hull: "To show empathy, sympathy,  be friendly and understanding also able to listen and to know how and when to change the tone of the conversation. Most of all, always are willing to go the extra mile."

Next to share her thoughts was Carol Nesfield, whose varied role finds her running one of their showrooms together with working in their head office and dealing with their suppliers,  " If I personally needed to buy a memorial I would want to be able to take my time and not feel pressured.  I would want to feel that I wasn’t just another sale, that my memorial was extremely important to the person serving me, that they had to time to listen to me talk about my loved one.  That is how I hope we help our clients to feel."

Business Development Manager, Michelle Smith added: "For me, it would be being kept updated and informed every step of the way and having confidence in the company .. if I ask for something that isn't going to work or isn't going to look good would they tell me?"

Anna Buckley, a member of the Rotherham Family and Company Director agreed with Michelle but observed: "This is definitely true... but can be a tricky one I think.  It needs to be handled with diplomacy and is an area where drawings and examples can be used to help the client."

Juleigh Rigby, from their Branch in Goole, shared: " I think it's important to make the customer feel like they are your only one."

From their York Branch, Sharon Malone concludes: "I would echo all of the above.  For me it's important to understand something of the person the deceased was - what made them tick, what were their passions in life...what should be reflected in the memorial and beyond that what they meant to those left behind.  This is when it becomes really personal and the memorial becomes more than a memory."

So choose carefully when planning your lasting tribute to your loved one and select a company who is going to take loving care over your "In loving memory".

Sincere thanks to the staff of J Rotherham for their contribution to this post.  J Rotherham has branches throughout Yorkshire. For more information and contact details please visit: www.jrotherhammemorials.co.uk 

A Chance Encounter Reveals A Story

42 - according to Douglas Adams "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" is the "Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything", a sentiment Dave Briscoe would agree with - so much so his wife, Daphne, had it engraved on his headstone when he died.

The headstone is a beautiful slate monolith and it's simplicity and what it didn't say had me intrigued. Complete with it's a simple inscription, 42 and an intricately carved bunch of grapes, together with a little box seated directly in front of the monolith I knew this headstone had a story to tell. A chance meeting with Daphne, when I had gone to photograph monolith which inspired such curiosity in me, and all became clear.

David and Daphne met whilst they were at school in 1969. Their family comprises a son, daughter, daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren with a third being due Easter this year. Dave's background was in Pharmaceuticals but he had always enjoyed a good glass of wine.

In 2005 David and Daphne bought a barn in rural Hertfordshire and planted 800 vines on a field adjacent to the barn. In 2008/9 the vineyard yielded its first crop which was made into wine and that was the beginning of multi award-wining Wareside Wines.

The bunch of grapes on David's headstone was the logo designed for their website and business cards.

David wanted to make Red Wine however and that is challenging in an English climate so in 2008 David and Daphne purchased a small wine farm in Klaasvoodgs, South Africa - a country they had fallen in love with since they first started holidaying there in early 2000.

Their first Red Wine was produced in 2010. Unfortunately, David fell ill not long after the move to South Africa but was determined to make wine for as long as he was able. Upon returning to the UK David and Daphne bought a house in York, close to the home of their son and grandchildren.

The little box at the front of the headstone is where his grandchildren leave letters and special messages to David. These notes are an important and integral part of their grieving process.

I suspect that David would probably agree with Douglas Adam's when he said: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be."

Thank you to Daphne Briscoe for her lovely conversation and kind input into this post.

Remembering Ernie - The Singing Pilot

Happiness was at the top of the agenda whenever Ernest “Ernie” Pace was around.  He was known for two things: making those around him laugh and singing.  Not just any old song but one song in particular: Dean Martin’s version of “Volare”. Originally written all in Italian it was subsequently performed by the Gypsy Kings in their native Spanish for all but the chorus which was left in Italian.  With the Dean Martin version all but the chorus – which again was left in Italian – was performed in English.  It was this version that became synonymous with Ernie. It was “his” song, a song everyone who knew and loved him associated with Ernie.

Also associated with Ernie was his beloved Cessna plane.  An accomplished Pilot with many flying hours under his belt, Ernie loved to fly; it was his passion. His fascination with flying began in the 1940s when, as a child, he would watch the planes fly over him on their way to war but it was not until tragically his 12-year-old son died following being run over by a bus and in the aftermath of such heartbreak his marriage broke down that Ernie pursued his dream in a bid to retain his sanity and he learnt to fly. He continued to fly until early into the 21^st Century when due to his deteriorating eyesight he failed the medical but continued to feed his passion for all things flying related by the reading of books, magazines and watching films.

“Volare” quite literally translates as “Fly”, with the Italian lyrics translating to “…and I flew, I flew happily higher than the sun and even higher.”  It is with these words that his widow, Carol and son Anthony choose to remember him, having had them quite literally set in stone as they adorn his headstone, standing proud in York Cemetery. The Italian lyrics are beautifully inscribed in gold leaf around the bevel of the stone whilst the English translation is etched into the body of the stone. His Cessna plane is reverse carved onto the top of the stone.

Singing and laughing are not the only thoughts that spring to mind when remembering Ernie.  A technician by trade, having started his career working on T.V.’s with Granada, Ernie was fascinated by anything with movements.  He collected watches, clocks and anything else that had movements. At the time of his death, he had an estimated 500+ watches in his collection and many of his relatives and friends now own one or sometimes two of “Ernie’s timepieces”.  

Ernie choose to always wear two watches, one on each wrist. When asked why he wore two he would laugh and say: “So I can check each is right!”. When asked why he collected so many he responded: “Because time is the greatest gift you have.” This too is recognised on his memorial which is inscribed with the words: “Time passes, love remains.”

If you choose to seek out Ernie’s headstone in York Cemetery, pause for a moment and listen very carefully.  You may be surprised to hear and see a Cessna plane flying overhead.  Unless it’s Friday 13^th. He would never fly on Friday 13^th and that is the only day so far that anyone visiting his grave has not been aware of the plane flying over.  If you see and hear it you can guarantee that it will make you smile – because that is what Ernie, our Singing Pilot, does.

An Exquisite Place in York To Rest In Peace?

One of only two privately owned Victorian cemeteries in the UK today, York Cemetery dates back to 1837.  Far from being a sad place where people come to mourn the dead, it is an oasis of peaceful serenity and quite unique beauty.  Here the old sits alongside the new and wild plants and shrubs rub shoulders with beautifully manicured lawns and flower beds.

In parts, nature is almost reclaiming its own as ivy creeps up and over beautifully carved and weathered gravestones.  It is a mosaic of different areas within which one will find a section where angels watch over their charges, a herb garden where fresh herbs freely grow within the kerbs of the graves, a scented walk - specially planted with perfumed plants, butterfly walk - as the name suggests planted with shrubs to which butterflies are attracted, Soldiers Lawn, Belle Vue Terrace, Felicity Gate Wall and, of course, Emerson's Lawn all have been named with special meaning.

It hasn't always been so well-cared-for as it is today, however.  In 1966 it entered a period of voluntary liquidation, it wasn't until 1984 when York Cemetery Trust bought the cemetery for a nominal sum that the restoration work still taking place today began.  The following is an excerpt from "Reflections", written by and reproduced by the kind permission of Richard Keesing, Chairman of York Cemetery Trust, which is his personal account of what he found when he "discovered" the cemetery for the first time.

Reflections

"When I first clambered through a fence into the cemetery and wandered along its forgotten paths, the grounds were overgrown and everywhere there was a sense of the peaceful returning to nature.  I did not know how old or how extensive the burial ground was but all about me bore the cloak of nature reclaiming what was its own.  The inscriptions on the gravestones were weathered and were quietly being taken into care by the loving embrace of time.  I wandered through this silent land which seemed to have no beginning and no end.  The paths took their own mysterious ways and one was enfolded by the sounds of the silence and stillness of a late summer afternoon.  Every now and then I read an inscription on a tombstone which spoke of the sadness of the ending and the bearing away of a life into an unknown and unknowable land. And everywhere there was a cloak of mystery and a beauty which hung in the air as of the presence of the bearing away by angels.  And it seemed that the graves were enfolding me into a presence of delicate sadness and reassuring me that all would be well and that all manner of things would be well.

The cemetery is a place of mystical beauty, where its peace speaks of eternal values and asks one to leave, for the moment, the hustle and bustle of the world and find tranquillity and renewal in a place of endless, poignant sadness.  We have in our care a timeless land which has been here forever and will be here for time without end.  It offers to all a refuge and a place of quiet reflection upon the eternal values of life and of our beginning and of our passing onto eternity.  This land is of peacefulness, and of beautify and it is our bound and duty to do all that is in our power to enhance the mystery which it enfolds so that future generations can be held in it's protecting embrace.

...This land is sacred, for its beauty and tranquillity is born in sadness for the passing of a soul and the hope for the future of both the living and the dead.  Every inch of this beautiful and mysterious land is precious and all that we have done and all that we will do must help to enhance the presence of the eternal peace and mystery which is enshrined here so that all who come here can share in its peace and tranquillity...."

If you would like to become involved with helping to preserve this beautiful cemetery there are a number of ways in which to do this.  Please follow the following link to learn about the work of the Friends of York Cemetery: http://yorkcemetery.org.uk/friends-of-york-cemetery.html

A Hauntingly Beautiful Sight in York Cemetery

If ever a picture painted a thousand words then it must be one of the following, taken in York Cemetery this week.

What the photos reflect is the sheer beauty of a carpet of purple which has been created by the planting of 18,000 crocus corms at the cemetery.  The corms were planted as part of the "Purple4Polio" initiative created by Rotary International.  

In October 2018/2019 pupils from 3 local schools: St. Georges Primary, St. Lawrence's Primary and Fishergate Primary commenced the planting and on November task days planting was open to everyone and they were joined by 50 people of all ages, including the then Lord Mayor of York, Cllr. Barbara Boyce and the Civic Party.

As a founding partner of the Global Polio Eradication programme, Rotary International has helped to reduce polio cases by 99.9% since their first vaccination initiative was launched in the Phillippines in 1979.  Rotary International has helped to vaccinate over 2.5 billion children in 122 countries, having contributed more than $1.8 billion towards eradicating the disease worldwide.

Today, polio remains endemic in only Afghanistan, Pakistan and Nigeria although just 22 polio cases were confirmed worldwide in 2017 - which is a phenomenal reduction from the 1980s when the world witnessed around 1,000 cases per day.  

The significance of the colour purple and the strapline "Purple4Polio" is that when a child receives their life-saving polio drops on mass polio immunisation days in many countries their little finger is painted with a purple dye so it is clear they have received their life-saving vaccine.

The poignancy of the thousands of purple crocus in York Cemetery is that they have been planted in an area of small tombstones of babies and young children, which makes the beautiful sight all the more thought-provoking and such a hauntingly beautiful sight.  

Thank you to York Cemetery office for providing more information about the Purple4Polio initiative.  Further information and how you can make a donation can be found on the Rotary International website: https://www.rotary.org/en/our-causes/ending-polio

What A Way To Go!

I've always thought that a nice way to go when my time comes is in my sleep.  But what of these unfortunate and mostly untimely deaths?  How did they come to take their last breath?

*In 620 BC, an Athenian lawmaker by the name of Draco was smothered to death by gifts of hats and cloaks showered upon him by an appreciative audience in a theatre in Aegina!

In 455 BC another Athenian, this time a tragedian by the name of Aeschylus met an untimely death when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his bald head, mistaking it for a rock to shatter the hard shell of the reptile.  The irony of this was that Aeschylus was outside in order to avert a prophecy that he would be killed by a falling object!

In 1567 Hans Staininger, burgomaster of Bavaria (now Austria) met his demise when he broke his neck tripping over his own beard.  The beard was 4.5 ft long at the time and was normally kept rolled up in a leather pouch.

In 1872, a pallbearer at Kensal Green Cemetery in London named Henry Taylor stumbled over a stone whilst carrying a coffin.  The other pallbearers let go of the coffin and it fell on him, crushing him to death in front of all the mourners.

A few years later, in 1881 British MP Sir William Payne-Gallwey suffered internal injuries when he fell over whilst hunting, landing on a turnip.  He died a few days later from his injuries.

Frank Hayes, a 35-year-old jockey from New York only ever won one race, riding a horse named Sweet Kiss.  Sadly he suffered a fatal heart attack mid-race and collapsed on Sweet Kiss who still went on to win the race with his rider still on board meaning technically Frank won.

Health food fanatic and inappropriately named Basil Brown, 48, turned yellow and died after he consumed 70 million units of Vitamin A and 38 litres of Carrot juice over 10 days, damaging his liver.

In 1983, Dick Wertheim, a tennis linesman passed away after he was struck in the groin by a tennis ball and fell out of his chair!

Mildred Bowman, 62 and her sister Alice Wardle, 68 died whilst on holiday in Benidorm in 2005 when they became trapped for four days when their foldaway bed collapsed.

A 14 year old boy from China was killed when the pneumatic cylinder of his office chair exploded in March 2009.

A cow climbed on top of the house of Joao Maria de Souza, 45 of Brazil, from a steep hillside behind it. The cow fell through the roof, crushing Joao to death as he slept. Both the cow and de Souza's wife (who had been in bed next to him) were unharmed.

The stepson of Denver Lee St. Clair rendered him unconscious during a fight and then asphyxiated him with an atomic wedgie after he pulled the torn elastic band from his underwear over his head, using it to strangle him.

Most recently - on February 18th this year - Hoong Leong, aged 37 was struck on the shoulder by a falling gas cylinder whilst walking home during a storm in The Rocks area of Sydney Australia, he survived the impact but died of a cardiac arrest upon arrival at the hospital.

The moral of this post is: "Live each day as if it were your last. Learn as if you would live forever."  (Mahatma Gandhi).

*Facts courtesy of Wikipedia.

Keeping Up Appearances - Caring For Grandma

I never knew my paternal grandfather, he sadly passed away 8 years before I was born.  My grandmother "gran" however was a huge influence in my life, and to a large degree, she still is.

It has been alluded, more than once, that the TV character Hyacinth Bucket from "Keeping Up Appearances" was modelled on her.  I have several poignant and amusing memories of her: I can still see her walking to our local methodist chapel every Sunday, hat on, dressed in her "Sunday best", hymn book and the bible in hand.  She had her own, black, leather-bound hymn book with music scores and she was one of two organists, the other being Miss Pick, an elderly spinster of the village.  They took it in turns as to who would play each week.

My gran stood at less than 5' tall and her feet barely reached the pedals of the organ.  As she played she used to rock on the rickety organ stool in an effort to keep the bellows going and the organ playing.  Nonetheless, she played beautifully and had a real gift for music.  She never took her hat off during the service.  One week during a rather rousing rendition of Charles' Wesley's "And Can It Be That I Should Gain"  she actually fell off the stool.  All we in the congregation saw were her feet coming up from behind the organ, showing rather undignified her long lacey pantaloons that her generation still wore.  The hat rolled down the aisle.  Miss Pick was heard to say "Where has Mrs Lancaster gone?"  The singing continued, the Minister - a rather dour Rev. Ronald Cheffings - raised his eyebrows as my gran simply got up, righted the stool, retrieved her hat and then continued the hymn as if nothing had happened: "My chains fell off, my heart was free, I rose, went forth and followed thee...."

Gran's life had been touched by tragedy: my Auntie Anne sadly passed away from Kidney failure when she was only 20.  Within 6 short months, she had lost my grandad - who everyone said died from a broken heart.  I cannot begin to imagine the anguish she must have suffered from two such losses but I don't believe that the sense of loss ever left her.

She didn't drive but every week someone - latterly me or my mother - would drive her to the churchyard in the next village, 5 miles away from where they both had their final resting place.  There she would loving tend the graves, with fresh flowers and cleaning all being part of her routine.  On her deathbed, she asked that someone kept up the weekly routine but sadly, I had moved "down south" and mum was unable to fulfil her wishes every week.

The gravestone and that of my Auntie Mabel, in the same churchyard, quickly deteriorated without her care.  We thought there was nothing we could do to improve the state of them until I began my work at the stonemasons.  I quickly learnt that we have within our company incredibly skilled craftsmen with years of experience of renovating and restoring graves like those of my family.  

They say that pictures paint a thousand words so in this instance I'm going to let the photos speak for themselves.  I have to say I shed a little tear when I saw them because I knew my gran would be proud once more of the memorial she so carefully chose and looked after all those years.  

Before:

After: