“The hardest thing for anyone to do is open that door and walk through it. I see people walk past the window time and time again, but they don’t want to come through the door. Sometimes they walk past 4 or 5 times before they enter.” It’s an incredibly perceptive observation and unsurprisingly it comes from Paul Kelwick. Paul is the Manager of G R Pinder Memorials in Scarborough. It’s more than a job to Paul – it’s a way of life and he uses his knowledge and years of experience to bring an especially personal touch to his clientele.
“I distinctly remember one gentleman...” Paul shares “…who walked past the window but just couldn’t come in, he even walked up to the door a couple of times, but it was just a step too far. Then one day when he came, I was in the workshop at the side of the showroom and I called out to him, asking if I could help?” He continued; “The chap burst into tears and stuttered out that he needed to arrange a memorial for his late wife. But it was all too much, and he rushed off, embarrassed that he had broken down. The next time he came I offered him a brochure and the option to visit him at home, which I thought would be easier for him and he readily agreed. It took 6 visits to his home to arrange a memorial. You see what I do is to help with the last tie that the person has with their loved one. It’s the conclusion and closure of their time on earth and that is just too much for some people to come to terms with, sometimes for a long time after the person has died. People need time to grieve to often the memorial is instrumental in helping that grief: it is a place to go where thoughts about the deceased can be indulged.”
As a young lad growing up in Scarborough, Paul loved to go fishing and any chance he had to go out on his Uncle Jim’s trawler he took it. At only 10 years old he was to be found hanging around his Uncle’s boat cleaning out the cabin for “half a crown” pocket money. When he was 15 and keen to leave school at Easter, his form tutor said if he had a job offer on the table and his employer confirmed this in writing then he was “free to leave”. Paul’s Uncle Jim did just that and Paul began work helping him on his trawler. For two years Paul worked with his Uncle, sometimes out at sea for 3 or more days at a time and then the engine on the boat developed a big problem. Paul’s Uncle advised him that if he could find another job, he should take it.
Paul - just turned 17 - had recently passed his driving test. Paul’s dad and Ray Pinder – a stonemason in Scarborough – used to frequent the same café in Scarborough and had become friends. Upon hearing Paul had passed his test and was looking for a job Ray told Pauls, dad, to ask him to get in touch – he was “looking for a young lad to join us”.
In those early days, Paul would go out fixing headstones, canvassing around Leeds and York – including Emerson’s now part of the J Rotherham group.
A, by then retired, stonemason from Pickering called Billy Dove continued to do some work for Pinders from his garden shed and Paul would be sent on a Monday to spend the day with him, helping him. It was Billy who taught Paul how to carve and letter stone. Before long Paul was tasked with both hand-carving and machine cutting the marble scants, not only letters but roses and other flowers. It was something Paul found incredibly satisfying and rewarding.
It is with a sense of pride that Paul can tell me the exact date he joined G R Pinder as their youngest member of staff – 16th March 1977 – some 43 years ago this year. There have been some major milestones during those 43 years. The first red-letter day came for Paul when his wife to be, Lillian, walked through the door to arrange a memorial for her late father. Lillian tells me: “Paul was so kind to my mother and me throughout the whole process, at what was a very distressing time. We became good friends and now here we are today, married 34 years this year.”
The next major milestone was when Ray Pinder retired and sold the business to
J Rotherham a family-run stonemason who although never changing the name over the door still own the business today. Recognising the personable character and inherent people skills, together with the stone masonry skills they had in Paul, the Rotherham family retained the status quo.
But what of the door that people don’t want to open? Has that become any easier? “I’m happy to go to them and that does help…since that first time, it’s become a service we offer, and people really appreciate that.” He concludes: “Some people like to come into the showroom, see and feel the stones but for those who find that all too much we have the solution.” Of his own future, he laughs and jokingly says: “Well I’m waiting for a long-promised bottle of Whisky or carriage clock for my long service but honestly? There’s nowhere I’d rather be…. except for maybe the odd fishing trip now and then. I now have my own boat for that though!”
Paul can be contacted at G R Pinder in Manor Road, Scarborough, YO12 7RT.
Tel: 01723 373 712.
© Sharon Malone - text may only be reproduced with permission of the author.
Thursday 9 April 2020
Wednesday 8 April 2020
A Chisel, A Hammer And A Robin
On a bright and sunny Spring morning amidst the daffodils, sweet
scented hyacinths and ancient gravestones in York Cemetery there sits a
solitary figure, patiently tip-tapping at the delicate stone in front of
him. We hear him before we see him, his
hammer and chisel strangely in tune with the birds singing all around him.
He blends in beautifully to his surroundings, as if he
belongs in the wooded glade which is his workplace today. He appears to be oblivious to the little
Robin who carefully supervises his every move, but it turns out later the Robin
is often his companion wherever he is working.
This is Paul Sandilands; he is one of only a handful of skilled
Stonemasons left in the country today.
It was Paul’s form tutor, who, recognising his artistic
talent set him on the road to what was to be not only his passion but his
life-work too when she handed him a sheet of paper, saying “They are looking
for someone….it may be of interest to you.”
The paper was an advert for a local, family-run business, J Rotherham,
Monumental Stonemasons who were looking for Saturday staff. At only 15 years old Paul became one of the
youngest members of staff to join the Rotherham fold, albeit only on a Saturday
whilst he completed his studies at school.
Joe recognised Paul’s hard work and offered Paul the
opportunity to stay behind each Saturday after his morning shift for a free
lesson in stone carving and lettering.
It was an opportunity Paul was keen to accept and over the weeks he
watched in awe as Joe’s skilful hands and tools made something extraordinarily
beautiful from the stone in front of him.
Each week became a Masterclass and Paul very quickly learned the skills
and techniques he still practises today.
When he left school in July 1984 Paul was delighted to accept the
full-time position offered at the family firm.
There followed many years of learning his craft, he attended
night school studying sculpture and calligraphy and went on two courses to learn
at the hands of expert Mason John Green from Oxton. The majority of his
education, however, came “on the job” as he watched and assisted other craftsmen
Masons such as Joe Rotherham and Fred Emerson – who sold his York-based business
to the Rotherham family when he retired - although he continued to accept
lettering and carving commissions for a number of years thereafter.
There was a tone of admiration and respect in his voice when
Paul quietly spoke about Fred Emerson, commenting on what a different style
Fred had to Joe Rotherham and how fast he was at letter carving. Fred had a quite unique style, often working
in lower case lettering as well as the more traditional upper case favoured by
other Stonemasons.
Paul was honoured with the task of creating Fred’s
gravestone when he died, we could see it from where Paul was working today. A large black monolith, on which is inscribed
a hammer, chisel and a Robin. The Robin
is significant as Fred always said that there was a Robin who sat watching him
work in his York workshop – just as there was today, watching Paul.
The headstone Paul was working on today was deemed too delicate to risk moving and so he had been commissioned to undertake the delicate carving with the stone still “in-situ”. As we approached, I could see that Paul had already marked out in pencil on top of a clay wash the inscription he was about to carve. It was fascinating to watch him work and for a few fleeting minutes, I could imagine how Paul must have felt watching Joe Rotherham all those years ago. The pencil lines crisscrossed the top of the headstone, creating a crossword type of layout and each individual letter had been carefully drawn in the individual squares.
When asked which commissions he has worked on that he had found most rewarding Paul doesn’t hesitate, the first he mentions was hand-carving a beautiful stone fireplace for the home of a multi-millionaire businessman. Fireplaces, Paul explained were Matt Rotherham's passion. Paul had worked on many different stone fireplaces but this one was very ornate with extremely intricate carving and Paul had a great sense of satisfaction when it was done and fitted.
His second thoughts were of some huge stone capitals (the fancy bits that sit on top
of stone columns) which J Rotherham were commissioned to carve for a large
stately home. It took 2.5 years to carve them all but, Paul lamented that he had
never seen them all in place – something he would like to do.
One of the most moving tasks Paul has undertaken however was the creation of a
memorial dedicated to two Australian Airmen who crashed their De Havilland
Mosquito plane into the Parish Hall at Horndean in Hampshire, just 3 miles away
from their Thorney Island base in 1945. On seeing the aftermath of the crash the
1940’s Horndean children were so touched by the sacrifices made by the two airmen
that they campaigned and raised funds for years in order to commission a fitting
memorial. The memorial was carved by Paul and unveiled on the 75th anniversary of
the crash. Paul met some of the surviving children at the unveiling of the monument.
When asked how Paul likes to spend his spare time, unsurprisingly his answer involves his artistic nature and he candidly shows me photos on his phone of some beautifully painted pet portraits, with pictures of the dogs and then pictures of their painted portraits. The likeness is breath-taking. Paul also shares that he still likes to sculpt in clay. In addition to this, he loves walking, playing squash, cycling – both on the roads and mountain biking - and playing golf.
As we leave him to his work, we take a moment to visit Fred Emerson’s memorial and once again I am aware of the tip-tapping sound of Paul’s hammer and chisel and I find myself momentarily musing if Fred is watching over Paul as he practises the art he learnt in part at the skilled hands of Fred. In that moment the little Robin flies down and sits on a gravestone, right by where Paul is working and carefully watches him. A coincidence? I think not.
© All text and images Sharon Malone 2020
Tuesday 7 April 2020
A Muse of a Childhood Spent in a Yorkshire Village. Part 1 - Winter & Summer.
If, with
retrospect, I could choose a childhood for myself I would choose exactly the
childhood I was privileged to enjoy: that of growing up on our family farm in
Tholthorpe. It was amazing. Not only did it shape my whole life in a way
that I’ve been drawn to the village ever since, long into adulthood, but I
wanted my own children and now their children to spend as much time as possible
in the village “on the farm” enjoying the same thrills and experiences shared
by generations before them.
Village life
was simple – we spent all our time outdoors, whatever the weather. The winters I remember most were “hard”
winters with lots of snow – quite deep in parts – during which the pond would
freeze over and the village children would skate on it and sledge across it - getting quite a speed up sledging down the slight incline of snow onto the frozen ice of the pond itself. I don't remember feeling the cold - we just dressed appropriately in hats, scarves, gloves and layers, lots of layers. Wellies were mandatory. Green or black Dunlops for all. There was a huge sense of community in the village. Everyone knew everyone else, the kids all played together on the green and around the village, most of the families living in the village were involved in some way in the farming way of life.
Life on the farm in winter was tough and oh so cold. The farmhouse was draughty with old windows which, until we installed central heating, used to freeze up on the inside. We had a coal fire in our bedroom and a hot water bottle each in bed, which mum used to prepare and put into our bed a few minutes before we went to bed. When we came out from one room where there would be a coal fire burning to go to another the cold air would hit you in the corridor, making one quicken one's step somewhat in order to get back into the warmth as soon as possible.
It was dark when we got up and getting dark when we came home from school. Our time was spent trying to stay upright on our back road whilst bringing in the cows for milking, breaking ice on water troughs for the horses, brushing snow and ice off hay and straw for the various animals that needed "bedding up" and feeding. Often farm vehicles would refuse to start as the diesel in their tanks would have frozen. Walking in the rutted fields to fetch the cows in was nigh on impossible and we found ourselves slipping everywhere, often only managing to walk with the aid of a stick broken off a tree for stability. If we found a good strong stick we would keep it for next time. Some sticks lasted all winter and beyond!
In those winters,
we would join other village children and some parents sledging in the fields on
the left as you go out of the village towards Myton. One year my dad, came with us
and would join me on my sledge “tandem” style as we went down the hill. As we approached the bottom at great speed,
veering off course into the hedge he stuck his foot out to slow us down. It didn’t work – all that happened was the
sledge ran over it and we tipped into the snow.
It was a soft landing but when the sledge ran over Dad’s ankle it broke
it in several places. This was a big
problem because at the bottom of the hill there was no way out of the
field! We had to get him back to the top
and he was no lightweight!
In true
village style, everyone rallied round and a large rope was attached to the
sledge, which several of the men from the village pulled whilst others pushed
from behind and Dad was hauled to the top of the hill and his transport to
A&E! He still has pins in his ankle
to this day from that accident.
The
footpaths were never gritted during winter and as we rushed to the school bus
many of the children would slide along them, stopping only as they crashed into
the other children waiting for the arrival of the bus to pick them up. In those days, it used to stop just along from the Post Office halfway up the village and you could find yourself sandwiched between one local lad, with his
mop of ginger hair hurtling down the street towards you at the same time as another from the other end of the village was careering in the opposite direction. If you were lucky you would manage to sidestep them both and miss the ensuing collision! At times because the village was in a dip and the snow was deep the school bus wouldn't be able to make it through to us. We would never know this though and all the village children would stand to wait at the bus stop, throwing snowballs at one another and sliding along the pavements until the bus was over an hour late and then we would decide to go home again.
Sometimes we would get to school and it would start to snow heavily. We loved those days because we would be sent home early. We used to hang around the telephone kiosk and ring people we knew, mostly our own parents. Someone had drilled a hole into a 10p piece and we had tied a piece of string around it as the phone answered we would push the money into the slot, hear it drop and then pull it out again. All the person heard on the other end of the line was a fit of giggles. I'm sure all the parents knew what we were up to but no-one ever told us off for it.
As the
approach to Christmas came the Sunday School children would go around the village
with mum, who ran the village Sunday School with my dad, carol singing as she accompanied us on her piano
accordion. The villagers were very
generous and welcoming but it was always so very cold – I remember blowing the breath you could see into our hands to try to warm them up. We always had a Christmas service of some sorts in the Chapel and the whole village used to turn out to attend it with virtually all the village children taking a part of the service. One year the whole of the Sunday school stood at the front for the finale, each holding a lighted Candle singing "This little light of mine.....I'm going to let it shine..." which was fine until one of the children's candle dripped candle wax onto their hand and they dropped the candle! Chaos ensued and we narrowly missed setting the Chapel on fire when my dad managed to act quickly and extinguish the candle! We never had children holding lit candles in the Chapel again from that day to this.
My favourite
time of the year in Tholthorpe has always been spring. When the daffodils turn the green yellow and
everything is new and fresh. We would
take jam jars to the edge of the pond just by the village hall and go pond
dipping to see what new life we could find.
We would find tiddlers – stickleback fish – and wonder how they got
there since the pond was spring fed.
We’d paddle in the water but I always kept my wellies on as I didn’t
like the smell of it and it was dirty, not clear! Sometimes we’d grow frogs spawn in the jars
watching as it turned from a jelly-like substance to tadpoles and eventually
frogs – which we would return to the pond.
Watching this process fascinated us.
Simple things.
Not everything that went on in the village was quite so simple though. The first time we heard the drone of what sounded like aircraft engines in the centre of the village people came out of their houses to see what the commotion was. We could hardly believe our eyes. One of the village boys had built himself a hovercraft and was skimming across the pond and back at great speed. It's fair to say that very few of us in the village had ever seen a hovercraft, let alone have a clue how to build one. He became quite a local celebrity! I believe he went on to race his hovercraft in various competitions - but that could be my imagination!
Monday 6 April 2020
A Personal Muse - Judith Morris - "Cemeteries"
Today we have a post from guest writer Judith Morris, Proprietor of York Tutors, as the name suggests based in York. Prior to joining York Tutors Judith worked in the design industry before switching to accounting. She left work in 1978 to marry Malcolm and dedicate her time to raising their daughter Sheena who was swiftly joined by a younger sister Rebecca. Once the girls were in full-time education Judith chose to return to work by joining York Tutors.
On writing for "A Monumental Muse", Judith tells us: "When Sharon asked me if I would like to contribute,
I was a little taken back but then I thought ‘why not’?"
Cemeteries
We recently, at the end of February, lost
my father in law at the great age of 95, and whilst the last year of his life was
not easy, as he could do less and less and consequently became more and more
grouchy, he was still my lovely husbands Dad, our girls Grandad and my Father
in law with whom I spent a lot of time when my husband was still working,
taking him to various hospital appointments etc so his loss has left a big hole
in the family.
However, as a strong Catholic with a great
belief in the afterlife I have been sustained and I love graveyards/cemeteries
– I really do and love wandering around them, reading the headstones, imagining
the lives that these people who were obviously so loved had lived. I hate the
thought of being cremated and scattered – this is a personal thing as I think
that’s it, you are gone – and I do want to live forever, at least in
someone’s eyes.
Choosing our headstone for my husband’s
parents brought great joy to me, as I imagine someone in 100 years wandering
through, stopping and reading it and for a moment, they are alive again – isn’t
that a wonderful thought?
When I am wandering now, I look and can
learn so much about not just that family, their lives but also our history.
Sometimes just seeing how many little ones passed over in certain years tell us
there was an epidemic at that time, or in that particular family they had
amazing genes as they all lived past 80 – there is so much to learn.
I also think we are honouring them as we
gaze at the final resting place, thinking about them, saying a little prayer
and remembering.
These fabulous places are also full of flora,
wild and cultured alike and benefit us all who live in cities and could be a
lovely place to take our children for them to accept cemeteries as part of
life.
So, when you next have a few free hours go
and have a look round – you might not get the same feelings I do, but then
again, you just might.
Thank you to Judith Morris, Proprietor, York Tutors We will be hearing more from Judith, together with an insight into exactly what York Tutors do and offer later this week.
Saturday 4 April 2020
Buckley's Book Club - Simon Sinek's "Start With Why. How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone To Take Action"
Author Simon Sinek discovered that well-known successful people such as Martin Luther King, Steve Jobs, The Wright Brothers, Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela all have one thing in common: they started with "Why?" Those who start with why he discovered, never manipulate, they inspire. People follow them not because they are told to but because they want to. He discovered that those who have had the most influence in the world all think the same way and it is the complete opposite to the way everyone else thinks.
Sinek explains how any organisation can tell you what they do, some can convey how they do it but very few can articulate why they do it. Why isn't the profit they make, neither is it the money it makes, these are merely the results. Why is it that a person will buy from one company but not another? Why are people loyal to some leaders but not others? Why does the business exist and do the things it does?
Sharing a range of real-life stories of businesses including names like British Airways, Virgin, South West Airlines, Apple, Microsoft, IBM Sinek demonstrates how starting with why works in big and small businesses alike. He shares exactly what it takes to lead and inspire.
In the book Sinek talks about a "golden circle". If you imagine a bullseye type of circle with three circles in the whole, with the bullseye or centre being "Why", the next portion being "How" and the outer ring being "What", in the book Sinek relates this to the human brain. He tells us that the human brain is made up from the limbic part (the inner two circles) and the outer neo-cortex. The limbic or centre two circles is the part of our brain which is responsible for our emotions, feelings and drives things like trust and loyalty. The limbic part is responsible for all our human behaviour, all decision making and has no capacity for language. The neocortex is responsible for rational and analytic thought and language. It is detail orientated, textual and statistical and relates only to the "What" segment of the circle. So it's basically our biological makeup which determines our buying decisions.
When we communicate from the outside in - yes people can understand all the facts and figures, features and benefits of whatever it is they are considering buying or buying into but that doesn't drive their behaviour. How you make them feel will drive their desire to purchase and that starts from the inside out. Remember the limbic part of the brain doesn't have language, only feelings so if something "just doesn't feel right" then no purchase will be made. This is where people are leading with their heart and gut instincts. If you don't know why you do what you do and people respond to what you do then how are you going to appeal to their limbic brain? In short, the goal is not to sell to people what it is you have, the goal is to sell to people who believe what you believe. Likewise, the goal is not to hire people who just need a job but to hire people who believe what you believe. He tells us if you hire people just because they need a job then they will work for your money but if you hire people because they believe what you believe then they will work for you with their blood, sweat and tears.
Sinek tells the story of the aviators the Wright brothers and Samuel Pierpont Langley to illustrate his point. In the earliest part of the 20th century, the pursuit of man-powered flight was, Sinek says like the dot com of the day. Everyone wanted to be the first. Samuel Pierpont Langley had on paper what everyone would assume would be the winning formula - he was given $50,000 by the war department to "figure out" this flying machine. Money was no problem, he held a seat at Havard and worked at the Smithsonian. He was extremely well connected, he knew all the big minds of the day and he hired the best minds money could buy, not only that - the market conditions were fantastic. The New York times followed him around everywhere and everyone was rooting for Langley. So how come we've never heard of Simon Pierpont Langley?
Sinek explains, a few hundred miles away in Dayton, Ohio, Orville and Wilbur Wright - who had none of what you may consider a recipe for success, they had no money - they paid for their dream with the proceeds from their bicycle shop, not a single person on the Wright brothers team had a college education - not even Orville or Wilbur - and the New York Times followed them around nowhere. The difference was, shared Sinek, the Wright brothers were driven by a cause, purpose, a belief. They believed that if they could figure out this flying machine that it would change the course of the world.
Samuel Pierpont Langley was different; he wanted to be rich and he wanted to be famous. He was in pursuit of the result - he was in pursuit of the riches. What happened was the people who believed in the Wright brothers dream worked with them with their blood, sweat and tears. The others just worked for the paycheck. Stories are told about how every time the Wright brother went out they took with them five sets of parts because that is how many times they would crash before they returned for supper. Then on December 17th, 1903, the Wright brothers took flight and nobody was there to see it - it was publicised a few days later. The day they took flight, Langley quit.
In summary, this book is a must-read for anyone who wants to inspire others in life or set their business apart from their competition.
Reviewed by Sharon Malone
Friday 3 April 2020
Buckley's Book Club Review: Mark Matousek's "When You're Falling, Dive"
Does suffering have an upside?
In his book, ‘When you're falling Dive’, Mark Matousek explores the effects that trauma can have on the progression of our lives. He argues that `post-catastrophe living' can often be more intense, more vibrant and more joyous than the lives of those who haven't experienced great suffering.
In an interview with Dr Rachel Remen, she tells him "The process of wounding actually awakens us to our strength. It shuffles our values. And the top priority is never what you thought it would be. It's never about perfection or power. It always turns out to be about love."
Although this may sound counter-intuitive, especially when we are in the middle of a painful experience, it is often true that suffering can open our eyes to the love that is in our lives. It can strengthen the relationships we have with family members or friends and may bring new relationships and new opportunities into our lives.
Experiencing trauma makes us realise that life can be fragile and brings the concept of impermanence to the forefront of our minds, but this can also help us to loosen our grip on the dissatisfaction of the material world and help us to contemplate the bigger questions. This change of perspective can help us to appreciate the relationships we have and, with more empathy, we are often able to treat those around us with greater love and compassion and less judgement, which, in turn, can lead to the possibility of enhanced relationships with others and more joy and love in our lives.
Mark tells us "...terror can be a door to enlightenment. While traditional cultures have long understood the empowering aspects of fear and wounding, the double-edged force of passage rites to galvanize and deepen the spirit, we are too often shielded from this secret knowledge" He believes that our contemporary view of pain and loss, as handicaps to be avoided at any cost, is not only wrong-headed', but could also potentially be dangerous and counter-productive for the evolution of mankind. "...terror is fuel; wounding is power. Darkness carries the seeds of redemption. Authentic strength isn't found in our armour but at the very pit of the wounds each of us manages to survive. As one widow put it to me,strength doesn't mean being able to stand up to anything, but being able to crawl on your belly a long, long time before you can stand up again."
In living through my own trauma, a cancer diagnosis at age 37, I have come to the same conclusion as Mark, that it is through our suffering that we are able to become better human beings... "Our brains are highly mutable, reinventing themselves on a regular basis, which is why not putting pain to its natural use - as grist for the evolution mill - is such an extraordinary waste of suffering. While hardship can certainly render us bitter, selfish, defensive, and miserable, it can also be used quite differently; as the artery of interconnection, a bridge to other people in pain, as blood in the muscle that propels us. Crisis takes us to the brink of our limits and forces us to keep moving forward. When people in extremis call it a blessing this is the paradox they are describing...Crisis pushes you to travel wide, fast, and deep, expands the heart and calls forth reserves of courage you didn't know you had, like adrenaline in the muscles of a mother saving her only child. Only you are the child, and it's your life - the life of your own soul - that you are saving."
Life invariably involves loss, and whilst going through the excruciating treatment and aftermath of cancer diagnosis or trauma of any kind, it is hard to believe there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, but if we allow it, these events can mould us into stronger, kinder, more compassionate, and more vibrantly alive people. So perhaps we can take some comfort in the hope that there can be an upside to suffering after all.
Book reviewed by Anna Buckley.
Thursday 2 April 2020
Grief - Eat Well, Feel Better with Sabine Horner
When I first met Sabine Horner, Proprietor of Asana Nutrition, last year at a networking meeting, her life had taken a totally different direction to that which she had planned, and it was all because of a personal tragedy.
Sabine’s husband, Kevin, had passed away from acute myeloid leukaemia. During the last 18 months of his life, as his body fought the effects of the toxic chemotherapy drugs, Sabine studied Nutrition Science and Practise at the NCA in York to learn what nutrients would help him to feel better quicker. As part of this course, Sabine learnt about the effects of grief and emotional stress on the body and how insomnia and poor eating habits after the loss of a loved one can affect both the body and mind.
When we last met, Sabine told me that very little acknowledgement is made of the impact of grief on our bodies by either health professionals or grief workers and this was something she wanted to address, through her company, Asana Nutrition. I caught up with her this week and asked her
How it is going?
“When I spoke with you, I had already decided to change the status quo and make it my new mission in life to raise awareness of the importance of managing stress and eating a well-balanced, varied diet when grieving.” states Sabine, “ Food has a significant impact on our emotional, physical and mental well-being and can make us feel better or worse, depending on what we eat and when.”
Sabine continued: “When one`s partner dies, one of the first things that change is the daily dietary routine. We don´t feel like cooking anyway and I, for one, did not want to cook any of the recipes that Kevin and I used to prepare and eat together in the last 18 months of his life. They triggered too many - good and bad - memories.”
How do you advise people find the motivation to eat when there’s a lump in their throat and the last thing they feel like doing is cooking or eating?
Sabine responded: “The best way is to keep things simple and think in terms of adding colour to dishes we can cook without needing a recipe. Colours are a great way to lift our mood and can inspire us to get creative with stews, soups, stir-fries, wraps, an omelette or even a Sunday roast! My favourite go-to is a green stir-fry recipe that I regularly adapt by adding a wide variety of – not necessarily green – veggies. It always looks different and never tastes the same...”
“…I realise that making changes to one´s diet and lifestyle is difficult under the best of circumstances and bereavement makes it even more challenging. The key to establishing a new daily meal routine is gradual changes, one small step at a time. You may be surprised what a big impact just one or two changes can have on your overall well-being, boosting your energy and motivation to implement some more!”
Are there any food types to avoid when grieving?
“In the initial period after bereavement, it is common for people to eat lots of convenience and comfort food. Or some people eat very little due to lack of appetite, nausea or difficulty swallowing...”
“…Because of the strong link between the gut and the brain, imbalances between the beneficial and harmful bacteria in our gut can cause mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. Stress and a diet high in processed foods and sugary snacks can easily tip the balance towards an abundance of bad guys who not only make us crave even more sugar but are also the root cause of many diseases.
Food also affects our blood sugar levels which in turn impact our energy, concentration and mood. Your energy levels will dip after eating bread, pasta, chips, pizza or dairy. These comfort foods are better avoided as they either contain sugar (lactose in milk) or are readily turned into sugar by the body. While they may be emotionally uplifting in the short-term, very soon our energy levels crash. Not ideal when we need more energy, not less!”
“The best way to combat low energy, mood and motivation would be to have three regular meals and as diverse a diet as possible to keep our gut bacteria happy, prevent blood sugar fluctuations and help us feel satisfied for longer.”
Are you able to offer support to others who have lost a partner and are struggling with their grief?
“Absolutely - to make this journey through grief, we need all the support we can get. That`s why I started to run monthly Culinary Grief Workshops. What better support than a group of peers who face the same challenges and understand better than anyone what we are going through every single day? In these small groups, bereaved partners can share experiences and coping strategies, learn from each other and make new friends for life who ‘get it’.
To create a safe and supportive space where bereaved people can meet and talk openly about their grief and share memories of their loved ones, I have recently launched the first Pop Up Grief Trust Café at OptionVe in Harrogate and have others planned for York. We were meeting up every first Friday of the month from 3-5pm. Once we are through the Coronavirus crisis, I hope to resume these workshops and Grief Café’s."
I’m excited to share with our readers that you have agreed to a regular feature on our blog, what can we look forward to in the coming weeks and months?
"- How to cope with grocery shopping after losing your partner and how to get creative with food left in the cupboard and/or fridge when you have been avoiding going to the shops long enough.
- ‘Eating A Rainbow’: Why it is important and simple ideas of how to get more colour into old-time favourites.
- The impact of grief / emotional stress on our body (and mind), why we may have malabsorption issues following a major bereavement, signs & symptoms and simple ways to improve our digestion & absorption.
- What the vagus nerve has to do with stress management and simple ways to stimulate this very important nerve.
- How nutrition can help with anxiety and simple (breathing) techniques to reduce anxiety levels.
- How to deal with insomnia – how nutrition, stress management and a regular daily routine can help, simple ideas of how to change/improve our bedtime routine and calm us down in the evening.
- The importance of vitamin D to prevent anxiety, low mood and energy, or even depression, reduce inflammation and boost our immune system.
- Menopause and bereavement: What women need to be aware of."
Connect with Sabine in any of the following ways:
By phone 07539347643
Email info@asananutrition.co.uk
Follow her on Linked-In: https://www.linkedin.com/company/asana-nutrition/
Find her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AsanaNutritionUK/
Be inspired on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sabine.horner/
Cook along: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCiLP_F0BdoTJ5Of5KLOFJQ
Sabine’s husband, Kevin, had passed away from acute myeloid leukaemia. During the last 18 months of his life, as his body fought the effects of the toxic chemotherapy drugs, Sabine studied Nutrition Science and Practise at the NCA in York to learn what nutrients would help him to feel better quicker. As part of this course, Sabine learnt about the effects of grief and emotional stress on the body and how insomnia and poor eating habits after the loss of a loved one can affect both the body and mind.
When we last met, Sabine told me that very little acknowledgement is made of the impact of grief on our bodies by either health professionals or grief workers and this was something she wanted to address, through her company, Asana Nutrition. I caught up with her this week and asked her
How it is going?
“When I spoke with you, I had already decided to change the status quo and make it my new mission in life to raise awareness of the importance of managing stress and eating a well-balanced, varied diet when grieving.” states Sabine, “ Food has a significant impact on our emotional, physical and mental well-being and can make us feel better or worse, depending on what we eat and when.”
Sabine continued: “When one`s partner dies, one of the first things that change is the daily dietary routine. We don´t feel like cooking anyway and I, for one, did not want to cook any of the recipes that Kevin and I used to prepare and eat together in the last 18 months of his life. They triggered too many - good and bad - memories.”
How do you advise people find the motivation to eat when there’s a lump in their throat and the last thing they feel like doing is cooking or eating?
Sabine responded: “The best way is to keep things simple and think in terms of adding colour to dishes we can cook without needing a recipe. Colours are a great way to lift our mood and can inspire us to get creative with stews, soups, stir-fries, wraps, an omelette or even a Sunday roast! My favourite go-to is a green stir-fry recipe that I regularly adapt by adding a wide variety of – not necessarily green – veggies. It always looks different and never tastes the same...”
“…I realise that making changes to one´s diet and lifestyle is difficult under the best of circumstances and bereavement makes it even more challenging. The key to establishing a new daily meal routine is gradual changes, one small step at a time. You may be surprised what a big impact just one or two changes can have on your overall well-being, boosting your energy and motivation to implement some more!”
Are there any food types to avoid when grieving?
“In the initial period after bereavement, it is common for people to eat lots of convenience and comfort food. Or some people eat very little due to lack of appetite, nausea or difficulty swallowing...”
“…Because of the strong link between the gut and the brain, imbalances between the beneficial and harmful bacteria in our gut can cause mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. Stress and a diet high in processed foods and sugary snacks can easily tip the balance towards an abundance of bad guys who not only make us crave even more sugar but are also the root cause of many diseases.
Food also affects our blood sugar levels which in turn impact our energy, concentration and mood. Your energy levels will dip after eating bread, pasta, chips, pizza or dairy. These comfort foods are better avoided as they either contain sugar (lactose in milk) or are readily turned into sugar by the body. While they may be emotionally uplifting in the short-term, very soon our energy levels crash. Not ideal when we need more energy, not less!”
“The best way to combat low energy, mood and motivation would be to have three regular meals and as diverse a diet as possible to keep our gut bacteria happy, prevent blood sugar fluctuations and help us feel satisfied for longer.”
Are you able to offer support to others who have lost a partner and are struggling with their grief?
“Absolutely - to make this journey through grief, we need all the support we can get. That`s why I started to run monthly Culinary Grief Workshops. What better support than a group of peers who face the same challenges and understand better than anyone what we are going through every single day? In these small groups, bereaved partners can share experiences and coping strategies, learn from each other and make new friends for life who ‘get it’.
To create a safe and supportive space where bereaved people can meet and talk openly about their grief and share memories of their loved ones, I have recently launched the first Pop Up Grief Trust Café at OptionVe in Harrogate and have others planned for York. We were meeting up every first Friday of the month from 3-5pm. Once we are through the Coronavirus crisis, I hope to resume these workshops and Grief Café’s."
I’m excited to share with our readers that you have agreed to a regular feature on our blog, what can we look forward to in the coming weeks and months?
"- How to cope with grocery shopping after losing your partner and how to get creative with food left in the cupboard and/or fridge when you have been avoiding going to the shops long enough.
- ‘Eating A Rainbow’: Why it is important and simple ideas of how to get more colour into old-time favourites.
- The impact of grief / emotional stress on our body (and mind), why we may have malabsorption issues following a major bereavement, signs & symptoms and simple ways to improve our digestion & absorption.
- What the vagus nerve has to do with stress management and simple ways to stimulate this very important nerve.
- How nutrition can help with anxiety and simple (breathing) techniques to reduce anxiety levels.
- How to deal with insomnia – how nutrition, stress management and a regular daily routine can help, simple ideas of how to change/improve our bedtime routine and calm us down in the evening.
- The importance of vitamin D to prevent anxiety, low mood and energy, or even depression, reduce inflammation and boost our immune system.
- Menopause and bereavement: What women need to be aware of."
Connect with Sabine in any of the following ways:
By phone 07539347643
Email info@asananutrition.co.uk
Follow her on Linked-In: https://www.linkedin.com/company/asana-nutrition/
Find her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AsanaNutritionUK/
Be inspired on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sabine.horner/
Cook along: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCiLP_F0BdoTJ5Of5KLOFJQ
Monday 30 March 2020
The Compassionate Friends - "The Gift" to Bereaved Parents
The following is a poem, written by The Compassionate Friends (TCF) founder Joe Lawley:
Founded out of tragedy in 1969 by Joe and Iris Lawley and Bill and Joan Henderson when, after both suffering the loss of a child, the families were introduced to each other by Rev. Simon Stephens who recognised the relationship could be helpful to both, The Compassionate Friends (TCF) organisation offers support, comfort and understanding to other bereaved parents, in a way only those who have suffered the loss of a child can begin to comprehend.
I recently "discovered" TCF in York and the following is an interview with their regional coordinator, Liz which I hope will provide useful to our readers. Going forward we will be updating the blog with news of the activities and meetings of the TCF groups in our area and beyond.
Please could you share with me what The Compassionate Friends (TCF) do and offer?
TCF can give parents, grandparents and siblings a huge amount of support if they would like it. There is the Helpline, available from 10:00am to 4:00pm, 7:00 – 10pm daily, 365 days of the years,( 0345 123 2304). Also Local and Group Contacts, Supportive weekends throughout the country. There is a postal lending library with over 1200 books covering aspects of grief and bereavement and up to four books can be posted to the bereaved, monthly newsletters, fabulous website and is very easy to manoeuvre, various Facebook Groups, leaflets written by a wonderful team of volunteers on all aspects of bereavement. There are forty leaflets including factsheets and a handbook. TCF also has eight Specialist Co-Ordinators, I am the co-ordinator for When Our Child Has Died Through a Road Traffic Incident. All the Co-ordinators offer one to one support
How did you come across TCF?
I personally did not find TCF until 3 ½ years after my son Nick died. I read a book called Relative Grief, which covers bereavement for family members, friends etc. The Helpline TCF number was at the back of the book. I can remember reading this book and I found it really helpful, as when your child dies you feel so isolated. I put little bits of paper in the book as a bookmark and again can clearly remember thinking “I feel like that”.
Please could you share a little about you and your experience?
The first we knew of Nick’s death was a knock on the door and the police were standing on the doorstep. Our son died at 8:45am and we did not find out that he had died until 9:45pm. Nick was riding his motorbike on the way to work on Saturday 15th November 2003. He undertook a van in what originally was the outside lane on the North Circular Road, London. There was a slip road that became the inside lane and a car had broken down on the way to have an MOT. Nick went into the back of this car and died at the scene. I collapsed on the kitchen floor and when I eventually stood up, I was a different person. When you are bereaved, your whole life changes in a flash. You feel as if you are going mad, losing your mind, lack of confidence, in some cases loss of close family friends and family members at a time when you need the support. All sorts of sometimes irrational thoughts can pop into your head, lack of sleep, appetite, confidence to name just a few things. The list is endless and constantly changing all the time.
How did your loss affect your family and how did they help you to cope/you help them to cope?
My husband and I could not grieve together as the death of our son was just “too big” and so we struggled to communicate with and be there for each other. Talking to other bereaved parents helped me to see that it was very normal for everyone to grieve differently and not to have the energy or strength to be there for other family members particularly as each family member’s relationship with their child or sibling is different and unique. Everyone does what they can to survive the early weeks, months and years. I couldn’t support my mother either as I once told her very harshly that I couldn’t support her, it was enough just trying to stand up and breathe myself. I would not say that now, but in the early days that was so true. I did all my crying either in the shower or driving in the car.
How have TCF helped you?
TCF has helped me tremendously and is the only charity that offers peer to peer support. We all have a unique relationship with our child and our bereavement is also unique, but if another parent says that they are having a bad day then you actually do have a greater understanding. We are all in a club, that by choice we would certainly not choose to be in, but we are in this club for the rest of our lives. I have met some fabulous people through TCF and many people, myself included, feel that TCF is like another family and I have also made many many friends. When you are bereaved your address book changes as sometime other friends will walk away. I think they are frightened with what they see in us and they are worried that the same thing might happen to them. In the early days, bereaved parents are bowed, grey, very sad, sometimes angry and to actually speak to someone who understands is just amazing.
What should you expect from TCF/ a TCF meeting?
The group meetings are very gentle and I think the important thing is TCF will never make you do anything that you don’t want to. Again you are meeting other bereaved parents and actually to be with someone who truly understands is so helpful. Through this, friendships are made, yes we do talk about our child but can actually have a laugh and share experiences. Most importantly we can talk about our child, people will listen and will not shy away or shun us because our child has died. As time goes many non-bereaved become uncomfortable talking about our child, when all we want is for someone to remember them and say their name. Our support groups also offer reassurance, guidance, comfort and hope for the future – that it is possible to re-engage in a meaningful way with life again but most importantly that this does not mean that our child is forgotten, in fact, we always continue the bond with them even as time goes by.
Can you share any advice for someone who would like to meet you but is afraid they are going to breakdown or pull everyone else down with their grief when others are perhaps further along in their journey? i.e. they worry they will set back others?
We are all in the “club” and that everyone understands. I have found that no one has ever pulled another parent down as it is intuitive that a bereaved parent, who is further down the dreadful road that we have to tread, will reach out the hand of comfort, compassion and support. I attended my first TCF National Gathering nine years after Nick died, and saw other people further down the road of bereavement and to actually see them conducting themselves like “normal” people gave me such hope that things would get better. Parents can feel they are ‘going mad or crazy’ especially in the first few months or years but attending a group or speaking to another bereaved parent can help them to see that what they are feeling or thinking is normal and that they can feel differently as time goes by and they learn to adjust to a ‘new normal’. I think one of the very important things that helped me was that I only “did” what I felt ready and able to do in my own time and when I had done that I put a mental tick in a box. Many people find ways to help themselves, whether it be yoga, pilates, running, sudoku to name but a few, we all find a way.
Are there any costs involved in attending TCF?
There are no costs in attending a group meeting but any monetary contribution is always welcome as TCF is a self-funding charity and gets no support from the Government. You can a become a donating member of TCF and have a monthly standing order for however much you would like to donate. There are bursaries available for parents, grandparents and siblings if there is financial hardship if they would like to attend a supportive weekend. All of our leaflets are free to bereaved family members.
What have you learnt about yourself through your journey?
I have learnt compassion and empathy and also eventually great strength. What used to really annoy me was that I was told that I was a “strong woman”. I certainly wasn’t and didn’t appreciate being told that. We are all different, have a unique relationship with our child and no one has the right to express views about us especially to our face! Yes, I have become stronger but it has been a long lonely journey. In the early days and this took an awful lot of thinking about. I gave myself permission that if I had a bad day that was okay as I wasn’t hurting anyone. The bad days over a period time got less, and eventually, after a long time the bad times could often only be brief, but it did not take much for the huge tsunami wave to appear again and engulf me. I also gave me permission to greave for my son every day for however long I am on this earth. These two “permissions” helped me so much and took the pressure off me.
Please could you share anything positive that has happened?
One of the most positive things that has happened is that I now have a very good relationship with Nick and a strong loving bond with him. To the non-bereaved, this would appear to be very strange, but again only people like “us” get this. I have many plants in my garden that have been very carefully chosen with Nick in mind, these are very important to me. My involvement with TCF has and is playing a huge part in my life and through this, I really hope that I am helping other bereaved parents.
If you could give one piece of advice to others in the same situation as yours, with the benefit of hindsight, what would it be?
Just be kind to yourself and do whatever whenever you feel able to do it.
Thank you to Liz for her kind contribution to this post, we look forward to learning more about TCF and the support they offer parents in future posts. Liz is available for telephone and online support via Zoom for any parents reading this who think this may be helpful.
The Gift
I have a gift.
I did not want this gift, it meant suffering and pain.
The pain came because of love.
A love which had manifested itself in a child.
The child brought its love to me and asked for my love.
Sometimes I did not understand this.
Sometimes I did not appreciate it.
Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love.
But the love persisted; it was always there.
One day the child died.
But the love remained.
This time the love came in other forms.
This time there were memories; there was sadness and anguish.
And unbelievable pain.
One day a stranger came and stood with me.
The stranger listened and occasionally spoke.
The stranger said "I understand", and did.
You see the stranger had also been this way.
We talked and cried together.
The stranger touched me to comfort.
The stranger became my friend as no other had.
My friend said "I am always here", and was.
One day I lifted my head.
I noticed another grieving, grey and drawn with pain.
I approached and spoke.
I touched and comforted.
I said, "I will walk with you", and did.
I also had the gift.
Founded out of tragedy in 1969 by Joe and Iris Lawley and Bill and Joan Henderson when, after both suffering the loss of a child, the families were introduced to each other by Rev. Simon Stephens who recognised the relationship could be helpful to both, The Compassionate Friends (TCF) organisation offers support, comfort and understanding to other bereaved parents, in a way only those who have suffered the loss of a child can begin to comprehend.
I recently "discovered" TCF in York and the following is an interview with their regional coordinator, Liz which I hope will provide useful to our readers. Going forward we will be updating the blog with news of the activities and meetings of the TCF groups in our area and beyond.
Please could you share with me what The Compassionate Friends (TCF) do and offer?
TCF can give parents, grandparents and siblings a huge amount of support if they would like it. There is the Helpline, available from 10:00am to 4:00pm, 7:00 – 10pm daily, 365 days of the years,( 0345 123 2304). Also Local and Group Contacts, Supportive weekends throughout the country. There is a postal lending library with over 1200 books covering aspects of grief and bereavement and up to four books can be posted to the bereaved, monthly newsletters, fabulous website and is very easy to manoeuvre, various Facebook Groups, leaflets written by a wonderful team of volunteers on all aspects of bereavement. There are forty leaflets including factsheets and a handbook. TCF also has eight Specialist Co-Ordinators, I am the co-ordinator for When Our Child Has Died Through a Road Traffic Incident. All the Co-ordinators offer one to one support
How did you come across TCF?
I personally did not find TCF until 3 ½ years after my son Nick died. I read a book called Relative Grief, which covers bereavement for family members, friends etc. The Helpline TCF number was at the back of the book. I can remember reading this book and I found it really helpful, as when your child dies you feel so isolated. I put little bits of paper in the book as a bookmark and again can clearly remember thinking “I feel like that”.
Please could you share a little about you and your experience?
The first we knew of Nick’s death was a knock on the door and the police were standing on the doorstep. Our son died at 8:45am and we did not find out that he had died until 9:45pm. Nick was riding his motorbike on the way to work on Saturday 15th November 2003. He undertook a van in what originally was the outside lane on the North Circular Road, London. There was a slip road that became the inside lane and a car had broken down on the way to have an MOT. Nick went into the back of this car and died at the scene. I collapsed on the kitchen floor and when I eventually stood up, I was a different person. When you are bereaved, your whole life changes in a flash. You feel as if you are going mad, losing your mind, lack of confidence, in some cases loss of close family friends and family members at a time when you need the support. All sorts of sometimes irrational thoughts can pop into your head, lack of sleep, appetite, confidence to name just a few things. The list is endless and constantly changing all the time.
How did your loss affect your family and how did they help you to cope/you help them to cope?
My husband and I could not grieve together as the death of our son was just “too big” and so we struggled to communicate with and be there for each other. Talking to other bereaved parents helped me to see that it was very normal for everyone to grieve differently and not to have the energy or strength to be there for other family members particularly as each family member’s relationship with their child or sibling is different and unique. Everyone does what they can to survive the early weeks, months and years. I couldn’t support my mother either as I once told her very harshly that I couldn’t support her, it was enough just trying to stand up and breathe myself. I would not say that now, but in the early days that was so true. I did all my crying either in the shower or driving in the car.
How have TCF helped you?
TCF has helped me tremendously and is the only charity that offers peer to peer support. We all have a unique relationship with our child and our bereavement is also unique, but if another parent says that they are having a bad day then you actually do have a greater understanding. We are all in a club, that by choice we would certainly not choose to be in, but we are in this club for the rest of our lives. I have met some fabulous people through TCF and many people, myself included, feel that TCF is like another family and I have also made many many friends. When you are bereaved your address book changes as sometime other friends will walk away. I think they are frightened with what they see in us and they are worried that the same thing might happen to them. In the early days, bereaved parents are bowed, grey, very sad, sometimes angry and to actually speak to someone who understands is just amazing.
What should you expect from TCF/ a TCF meeting?
The group meetings are very gentle and I think the important thing is TCF will never make you do anything that you don’t want to. Again you are meeting other bereaved parents and actually to be with someone who truly understands is so helpful. Through this, friendships are made, yes we do talk about our child but can actually have a laugh and share experiences. Most importantly we can talk about our child, people will listen and will not shy away or shun us because our child has died. As time goes many non-bereaved become uncomfortable talking about our child, when all we want is for someone to remember them and say their name. Our support groups also offer reassurance, guidance, comfort and hope for the future – that it is possible to re-engage in a meaningful way with life again but most importantly that this does not mean that our child is forgotten, in fact, we always continue the bond with them even as time goes by.
Can you share any advice for someone who would like to meet you but is afraid they are going to breakdown or pull everyone else down with their grief when others are perhaps further along in their journey? i.e. they worry they will set back others?
We are all in the “club” and that everyone understands. I have found that no one has ever pulled another parent down as it is intuitive that a bereaved parent, who is further down the dreadful road that we have to tread, will reach out the hand of comfort, compassion and support. I attended my first TCF National Gathering nine years after Nick died, and saw other people further down the road of bereavement and to actually see them conducting themselves like “normal” people gave me such hope that things would get better. Parents can feel they are ‘going mad or crazy’ especially in the first few months or years but attending a group or speaking to another bereaved parent can help them to see that what they are feeling or thinking is normal and that they can feel differently as time goes by and they learn to adjust to a ‘new normal’. I think one of the very important things that helped me was that I only “did” what I felt ready and able to do in my own time and when I had done that I put a mental tick in a box. Many people find ways to help themselves, whether it be yoga, pilates, running, sudoku to name but a few, we all find a way.
Are there any costs involved in attending TCF?
There are no costs in attending a group meeting but any monetary contribution is always welcome as TCF is a self-funding charity and gets no support from the Government. You can a become a donating member of TCF and have a monthly standing order for however much you would like to donate. There are bursaries available for parents, grandparents and siblings if there is financial hardship if they would like to attend a supportive weekend. All of our leaflets are free to bereaved family members.
What have you learnt about yourself through your journey?
I have learnt compassion and empathy and also eventually great strength. What used to really annoy me was that I was told that I was a “strong woman”. I certainly wasn’t and didn’t appreciate being told that. We are all different, have a unique relationship with our child and no one has the right to express views about us especially to our face! Yes, I have become stronger but it has been a long lonely journey. In the early days and this took an awful lot of thinking about. I gave myself permission that if I had a bad day that was okay as I wasn’t hurting anyone. The bad days over a period time got less, and eventually, after a long time the bad times could often only be brief, but it did not take much for the huge tsunami wave to appear again and engulf me. I also gave me permission to greave for my son every day for however long I am on this earth. These two “permissions” helped me so much and took the pressure off me.
Please could you share anything positive that has happened?
One of the most positive things that has happened is that I now have a very good relationship with Nick and a strong loving bond with him. To the non-bereaved, this would appear to be very strange, but again only people like “us” get this. I have many plants in my garden that have been very carefully chosen with Nick in mind, these are very important to me. My involvement with TCF has and is playing a huge part in my life and through this, I really hope that I am helping other bereaved parents.
If you could give one piece of advice to others in the same situation as yours, with the benefit of hindsight, what would it be?
Just be kind to yourself and do whatever whenever you feel able to do it.
Thank you to Liz for her kind contribution to this post, we look forward to learning more about TCF and the support they offer parents in future posts. Liz is available for telephone and online support via Zoom for any parents reading this who think this may be helpful.
Friday 27 March 2020
Taking Loving Care of Your "In Loving Memory"
When you suffer the loss of a loved one the array of things you need to do can be totally overwhelming, from the moment they take their last breath and you find yourself thrust into collecting their death certificate and having to register their death to the minute they are buried or cremated and you have to acknowledge this is a final "goodbye".
The only remaining thing for you to do is to decide how to mark their final resting place - what kind of a memorial will you put in place for them - and who can you trust to help you and guide you through the range of options open to you?
This may be the last chance you have to put into something tangible all the love and feelings you have for the person you have lost and, further, create that special place you can visit where it's ok to grieve. A place to take time to think and remember the good and bad times - shed a tear or two and in time a place which will become part of your healing and acceptance that life will never be the same again. It is also a place for future generations to visit and learn about their heritage.
Whilst a funeral director may have a limited catalogue of standard memorials they can offer you "off the shelf" they can be lacking in the knowledge needed to offer a full service to you. They may not, for example, be able to advise on the cost of a permit for the memorial or the sizes and any other rules or regulations applicable to your chosen place of burial. Buying online can also be risky and impersonal.
Monumental masons are much more experienced and better placed to advise you on the available options and, if you want something truly unique to you, their expert designers and draftsmen, together with a team of craftsmen artists, stone carvers and stonemasons will be able to take your thoughts and ideas through from concept to completion to create a fitting and beautiful memorial.
One such company who specialises in doing just that in and around the Yorkshire area is family-run J Rotherham. The Rotherham family have been creating distinctive stone memorials for over four generations, indeed the stone carvers and masons carrying on the tradition in the business today learnt their skills at the hands of Joe Rotherham Senior, who still keeps a watchful eye over the business.
I asked a group of J Rotherham staff what they felt was important when helping their clients to choose and create a memorial?
First to answer was Matt Allsopp, who runs their showroom in Hull: "To show empathy, sympathy, be friendly and understanding also able to listen and to know how and when to change the tone of the conversation. Most of all, always are willing to go the extra mile."
Next to share her thoughts was Carol Nesfield, whose varied role finds her running one of their showrooms together with working in their head office and dealing with their suppliers, " If I personally needed to buy a memorial I would want to be able to take my time and not feel pressured. I would want to feel that I wasn’t just another sale, that my memorial was extremely important to the person serving me, that they had to time to listen to me talk about my loved one. That is how I hope we help our clients to feel."
Business Development Manager, Michelle Smith added: "For me, it would be being kept updated and informed every step of the way and having confidence in the company .. if I ask for something that isn't going to work or isn't going to look good would they tell me?"
Anna Buckley, a member of the Rotherham Family and Company Director agreed with Michelle but observed: "This is definitely true... but can be a tricky one I think. It needs to be handled with diplomacy and is an area where drawings and examples can be used to help the client."
Juleigh Rigby, from their Branch in Goole, shared: " I think it's important to make the customer feel like they are your only one."
From their York Branch, Sharon Malone concludes: "I would echo all of the above. For me it's important to understand something of the person the deceased was - what made them tick, what were their passions in life...what should be reflected in the memorial and beyond that what they meant to those left behind. This is when it becomes really personal and the memorial becomes more than a memory."
So choose carefully when planning your lasting tribute to your loved one and select a company who is going to take loving care over your "In loving memory".
Sincere thanks to the staff of J Rotherham for their contribution to this post. J Rotherham has branches throughout Yorkshire. For more information and contact details please visit: www.jrotherhammemorials.co.uk
The only remaining thing for you to do is to decide how to mark their final resting place - what kind of a memorial will you put in place for them - and who can you trust to help you and guide you through the range of options open to you?
This may be the last chance you have to put into something tangible all the love and feelings you have for the person you have lost and, further, create that special place you can visit where it's ok to grieve. A place to take time to think and remember the good and bad times - shed a tear or two and in time a place which will become part of your healing and acceptance that life will never be the same again. It is also a place for future generations to visit and learn about their heritage.
Whilst a funeral director may have a limited catalogue of standard memorials they can offer you "off the shelf" they can be lacking in the knowledge needed to offer a full service to you. They may not, for example, be able to advise on the cost of a permit for the memorial or the sizes and any other rules or regulations applicable to your chosen place of burial. Buying online can also be risky and impersonal.
Monumental masons are much more experienced and better placed to advise you on the available options and, if you want something truly unique to you, their expert designers and draftsmen, together with a team of craftsmen artists, stone carvers and stonemasons will be able to take your thoughts and ideas through from concept to completion to create a fitting and beautiful memorial.
One such company who specialises in doing just that in and around the Yorkshire area is family-run J Rotherham. The Rotherham family have been creating distinctive stone memorials for over four generations, indeed the stone carvers and masons carrying on the tradition in the business today learnt their skills at the hands of Joe Rotherham Senior, who still keeps a watchful eye over the business.
I asked a group of J Rotherham staff what they felt was important when helping their clients to choose and create a memorial?
First to answer was Matt Allsopp, who runs their showroom in Hull: "To show empathy, sympathy, be friendly and understanding also able to listen and to know how and when to change the tone of the conversation. Most of all, always are willing to go the extra mile."
Next to share her thoughts was Carol Nesfield, whose varied role finds her running one of their showrooms together with working in their head office and dealing with their suppliers, " If I personally needed to buy a memorial I would want to be able to take my time and not feel pressured. I would want to feel that I wasn’t just another sale, that my memorial was extremely important to the person serving me, that they had to time to listen to me talk about my loved one. That is how I hope we help our clients to feel."
Business Development Manager, Michelle Smith added: "For me, it would be being kept updated and informed every step of the way and having confidence in the company .. if I ask for something that isn't going to work or isn't going to look good would they tell me?"
Anna Buckley, a member of the Rotherham Family and Company Director agreed with Michelle but observed: "This is definitely true... but can be a tricky one I think. It needs to be handled with diplomacy and is an area where drawings and examples can be used to help the client."
Juleigh Rigby, from their Branch in Goole, shared: " I think it's important to make the customer feel like they are your only one."
From their York Branch, Sharon Malone concludes: "I would echo all of the above. For me it's important to understand something of the person the deceased was - what made them tick, what were their passions in life...what should be reflected in the memorial and beyond that what they meant to those left behind. This is when it becomes really personal and the memorial becomes more than a memory."
So choose carefully when planning your lasting tribute to your loved one and select a company who is going to take loving care over your "In loving memory".
Sincere thanks to the staff of J Rotherham for their contribution to this post. J Rotherham has branches throughout Yorkshire. For more information and contact details please visit: www.jrotherhammemorials.co.uk
Thursday 26 March 2020
A Chance Encounter Reveals A Story
42 - according to Douglas Adams "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" is the "Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything", a sentiment Dave Briscoe would agree with - so much so his wife, Daphne, had it engraved on his headstone when he died.
The headstone is a beautiful slate monolith and it's simplicity and what it didn't say had me intrigued. Complete with it's a simple inscription, 42 and an intricately carved bunch of grapes, together with a little box seated directly in front of the monolith I knew this headstone had a story to tell. A chance meeting with Daphne, when I had gone to photograph monolith which inspired such curiosity in me, and all became clear.
David and Daphne met whilst they were at school in 1969. Their family comprises a son, daughter, daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren with a third being due Easter this year. Dave's background was in Pharmaceuticals but he had always enjoyed a good glass of wine.
In 2005 David and Daphne bought a barn in rural Hertfordshire and planted 800 vines on a field adjacent to the barn. In 2008/9 the vineyard yielded its first crop which was made into wine and that was the beginning of multi award-wining Wareside Wines.
The bunch of grapes on David's headstone was the logo designed for their website and business cards.
David wanted to make Red Wine however and that is challenging in an English climate so in 2008 David and Daphne purchased a small wine farm in Klaasvoodgs, South Africa - a country they had fallen in love with since they first started holidaying there in early 2000.
Their first Red Wine was produced in 2010. Unfortunately, David fell ill not long after the move to South Africa but was determined to make wine for as long as he was able. Upon returning to the UK David and Daphne bought a house in York, close to the home of their son and grandchildren.
The little box at the front of the headstone is where his grandchildren leave letters and special messages to David. These notes are an important and integral part of their grieving process.
I suspect that David would probably agree with Douglas Adam's when he said: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be."
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