The Door No One Wants To Open

“The hardest thing for anyone to do is open that door and walk through it.  I see people walk past the window time and time again, but they don’t want to come through the door.  Sometimes they walk past 4 or 5 times before they enter.”  It’s an incredibly perceptive observation and unsurprisingly it comes from Paul Kelwick.  Paul is the Manager of G R Pinder Memorials in Scarborough. It’s more than a job to Paul – it’s a way of life and he uses his knowledge and years of experience to bring an especially personal touch to his clientele.

“I distinctly remember one gentleman...” Paul shares “…who walked past the window but just couldn’t come in, he even walked up to the door a couple of times, but it was just a step too far.  Then one day when he came, I was in the workshop at the side of the showroom and I called out to him, asking if I could help?”  He continued; “The chap burst into tears and stuttered out that he needed to arrange a memorial for his late wife.  But it was all too much, and he rushed off, embarrassed that he had broken down. The next time he came I offered him a brochure and the option to visit him at home, which I thought would be easier for him and he readily agreed.  It took 6 visits to his home to arrange a memorial.  You see what I do is to help with the last tie that the person has with their loved one.  It’s the conclusion and closure of their time on earth and that is just too much for some people to come to terms with, sometimes for a long time after the person has died.  People need time to grieve to often the memorial is instrumental in helping that grief: it is a place to go where thoughts about the deceased can be indulged.”

As a young lad growing up in Scarborough, Paul loved to go fishing and any chance he had to go out on his Uncle Jim’s trawler he took it. At only 10 years old he was to be found hanging around his Uncle’s boat cleaning out the cabin for “half a crown” pocket money. When he was 15 and keen to leave school at Easter, his form tutor said if he had a job offer on the table and his employer confirmed this in writing then he was “free to leave”.  Paul’s Uncle Jim did just that and Paul began work helping him on his trawler.  For two years Paul worked with his Uncle, sometimes out at sea for 3 or more days at a time and then the engine on the boat developed a big problem.  Paul’s Uncle advised him that if he could find another job, he should take it.

Paul - just turned 17 - had recently passed his driving test.  Paul’s dad and Ray Pinder – a stonemason in Scarborough – used to frequent the same café in Scarborough and had become friends. Upon hearing Paul had passed his test and was looking for a job Ray told Pauls, dad, to ask him to get in touch – he was “looking for a young lad to join us”.
In those early days, Paul would go out fixing headstones, canvassing around Leeds and York – including Emerson’s now part of the J Rotherham group. 

 A, by then retired, stonemason from Pickering called Billy Dove continued to do some work for Pinders from his garden shed and Paul would be sent on a Monday to spend the day with him, helping him.  It was Billy who taught Paul how to carve and letter stone.  Before long Paul was tasked with both hand-carving and machine cutting the marble scants, not only letters but roses and other flowers.  It was something Paul found incredibly satisfying and rewarding.

It is with a sense of pride that Paul can tell me the exact date he joined G R Pinder as their youngest member of staff – 16th March 1977 – some 43 years ago this year.  There have been some major milestones during those 43 years.  The first red-letter day came for Paul when his wife to be, Lillian, walked through the door to arrange a memorial for her late father.  Lillian tells me: “Paul was so kind to my mother and me throughout the whole process, at what was a very distressing time.  We became good friends and now here we are today, married 34 years this year.”

The next major milestone was when Ray Pinder retired and sold the business to
J Rotherham a family-run stonemason who although never changing the name over the door still own the business today.  Recognising the personable character and inherent people skills, together with the stone masonry skills they had in Paul, the Rotherham family retained the status quo.

But what of the door that people don’t want to open?  Has that become any easier? “I’m happy to go to them and that does help…since that first time, it’s become a service we offer, and people really appreciate that.”  He concludes: “Some people like to come into the showroom, see and feel the stones but for those who find that all too much we have the solution.”  Of his own future, he laughs and jokingly says: “Well I’m waiting for a long-promised bottle of Whisky or carriage clock for my long service but honestly?  There’s nowhere I’d rather be…. except for maybe the odd fishing trip now and then.  I now have my own boat for that though!”

Paul can be contacted at G R Pinder in Manor Road, Scarborough, YO12 7RT.
Tel: 01723 373 712.

© Sharon Malone - text may only be reproduced with permission of the author.

A Chisel, A Hammer And A Robin

On a bright and sunny Spring morning amidst the daffodils, sweet scented hyacinths and ancient gravestones in York Cemetery there sits a solitary figure, patiently tip-tapping at the delicate stone in front of him.  We hear him before we see him, his hammer and chisel strangely in tune with the birds singing all around him.

He blends in beautifully to his surroundings, as if he belongs in the wooded glade which is his workplace today.  He appears to be oblivious to the little Robin who carefully supervises his every move, but it turns out later the Robin is often his companion wherever he is working.  This is Paul Sandilands; he is one of only a handful of skilled Stonemasons left in the country today.

It was Paul’s form tutor, who, recognising his artistic talent set him on the road to what was to be not only his passion but his life-work too when she handed him a sheet of paper, saying “They are looking for someone….it may be of interest to you.”  The paper was an advert for a local, family-run business, J Rotherham, Monumental Stonemasons who were looking for Saturday staff.  At only 15 years old Paul became one of the youngest members of staff to join the Rotherham fold, albeit only on a Saturday whilst he completed his studies at school.

Joe Rotherham Senior, a craftsman Stonemason liked what he saw in the young lad who worked hard cleaning and re-fixing the kerbs and headstones that formed the bread and butter of the Company’s business.  The workshop would prepare the stones at the beginning of the week and Paul would accompany and assist the fitters at the end of the week, working in the cemeteries and graveyards around the Pocklington area. 

Joe recognised Paul’s hard work and offered Paul the opportunity to stay behind each Saturday after his morning shift for a free lesson in stone carving and lettering.  It was an opportunity Paul was keen to accept and over the weeks he watched in awe as Joe’s skilful hands and tools made something extraordinarily beautiful from the stone in front of him.  Each week became a Masterclass and Paul very quickly learned the skills and techniques he still practises today.  When he left school in July 1984 Paul was delighted to accept the full-time position offered at the family firm.

There followed many years of learning his craft, he attended night school studying sculpture and calligraphy and went on two courses to learn at the hands of expert Mason John Green from Oxton. The majority of his education, however, came “on the job” as he watched and assisted other craftsmen Masons such as Joe Rotherham and Fred Emerson – who sold his York-based business to the Rotherham family when he retired - although he continued to accept lettering and carving commissions for a number of years thereafter.

There was a tone of admiration and respect in his voice when Paul quietly spoke about Fred Emerson, commenting on what a different style Fred had to Joe Rotherham and how fast he was at letter carving.  Fred had a quite unique style, often working in lower case lettering as well as the more traditional upper case favoured by other Stonemasons. 

Paul was honoured with the task of creating Fred’s gravestone when he died, we could see it from where Paul was working today.  A large black monolith, on which is inscribed a hammer, chisel and a Robin.  The Robin is significant as Fred always said that there was a Robin who sat watching him work in his York workshop – just as there was today, watching Paul.

The headstone Paul was working on today was deemed too delicate to risk moving and so he had been commissioned to undertake the delicate carving with the stone still “in-situ”.  As we approached, I could see that Paul had already marked out in pencil on top of a clay wash the inscription he was about to carve.  It was fascinating to watch him work and for a few fleeting minutes, I could imagine how Paul must have felt watching Joe Rotherham all those years ago.  The pencil lines crisscrossed the top of the headstone, creating a crossword type of layout and each individual letter had been carefully drawn in the individual squares. 

When asked which commissions he has worked on that he had found most rewarding Paul doesn’t hesitate, the first he mentions was hand-carving a beautiful stone fireplace for the home of a multi-millionaire businessman.  Fireplaces, Paul explained were Matt Rotherham's passion. Paul had worked on many different stone fireplaces but this one was very ornate with extremely intricate carving and Paul had a great sense of satisfaction when it was done and fitted.

His second thoughts were of some huge stone capitals (the fancy bits that sit on top

of stone columns) which J Rotherham were commissioned to carve for a large

stately home. It took 2.5 years to carve them all but, Paul lamented that he had

never seen them all in place – something he would like to do.

One of the most moving tasks Paul has undertaken however was the creation of a

memorial dedicated to two Australian Airmen who crashed their De Havilland

Mosquito plane into the Parish Hall at Horndean in Hampshire, just 3 miles away

from their Thorney Island base in 1945. On seeing the aftermath of the crash the

1940’s Horndean children were so touched by the sacrifices made by the two airmen

that they campaigned and raised funds for years in order to commission a fitting

memorial. The memorial was carved by Paul and unveiled on the 75th anniversary of

the crash. Paul met some of the surviving children at the unveiling of the monument.

When asked how Paul likes to spend his spare time, unsurprisingly his answer involves his artistic nature and he candidly shows me photos on his phone of some beautifully painted pet portraits, with pictures of the dogs and then pictures of their painted portraits.  The likeness is breath-taking. Paul also shares that he still likes to sculpt in clay.  In addition to this, he loves walking, playing squash, cycling – both on the roads and mountain biking - and playing golf. 

As we leave him to his work, we take a moment to visit Fred Emerson’s memorial and once again I am aware of the tip-tapping sound of Paul’s hammer and chisel and I find myself momentarily musing if Fred is watching over Paul as he practises the art he learnt in part at the skilled hands of Fred.  In that moment the little Robin flies down and sits on a gravestone, right by where Paul is working and carefully watches him.  A coincidence?  I think not.

© All text and images Sharon Malone 2020

Taking Loving Care of Your "In Loving Memory"

When you suffer the loss of a loved one the array of things you need to do can be totally overwhelming, from the moment they take their last breath and you find yourself thrust into collecting their death certificate and having to register their death to the minute they are buried or cremated and you have to acknowledge this is a final "goodbye".

The only remaining thing for you to do is to decide how to mark their final resting place - what kind of a memorial will you put in place for them - and who can you trust to help you and guide you through the range of options open to you?

This may be the last chance you have to put into something tangible all the love and feelings you have for the person you have lost and, further, create that special place you can visit where it's ok to grieve.  A place to take time to think and remember the good and bad times - shed a tear or two and in time a place which will become part of your healing and acceptance that life will never be the same again.  It is also a place for future generations to visit and learn about their heritage.

Whilst a funeral director may have a limited catalogue of standard memorials they can offer you "off the shelf" they can be lacking in the knowledge needed to offer a full service to you.  They may not, for example, be able to advise on the cost of a permit for the memorial or the sizes and any other rules or regulations applicable to your chosen place of burial.  Buying online can also be risky and impersonal.

Monumental masons are much more experienced and better placed to advise you on the available options and, if you want something truly unique to you, their expert designers and draftsmen, together with a team of craftsmen artists, stone carvers and stonemasons will be able to take your thoughts and ideas through from concept to completion to create a fitting and beautiful memorial.

One such company who specialises in doing just that in and around the Yorkshire area is family-run J Rotherham.  The Rotherham family have been creating distinctive stone memorials for over four generations, indeed the stone carvers and masons carrying on the tradition in the business today learnt their skills at the hands of Joe Rotherham Senior, who still keeps a watchful eye over the business.

I asked a group of J Rotherham staff what they felt was important when helping their clients to choose and create a memorial?

First to answer was Matt Allsopp, who runs their showroom in Hull: "To show empathy, sympathy,  be friendly and understanding also able to listen and to know how and when to change the tone of the conversation. Most of all, always are willing to go the extra mile."

Next to share her thoughts was Carol Nesfield, whose varied role finds her running one of their showrooms together with working in their head office and dealing with their suppliers,  " If I personally needed to buy a memorial I would want to be able to take my time and not feel pressured.  I would want to feel that I wasn’t just another sale, that my memorial was extremely important to the person serving me, that they had to time to listen to me talk about my loved one.  That is how I hope we help our clients to feel."

Business Development Manager, Michelle Smith added: "For me, it would be being kept updated and informed every step of the way and having confidence in the company .. if I ask for something that isn't going to work or isn't going to look good would they tell me?"

Anna Buckley, a member of the Rotherham Family and Company Director agreed with Michelle but observed: "This is definitely true... but can be a tricky one I think.  It needs to be handled with diplomacy and is an area where drawings and examples can be used to help the client."

Juleigh Rigby, from their Branch in Goole, shared: " I think it's important to make the customer feel like they are your only one."

From their York Branch, Sharon Malone concludes: "I would echo all of the above.  For me it's important to understand something of the person the deceased was - what made them tick, what were their passions in life...what should be reflected in the memorial and beyond that what they meant to those left behind.  This is when it becomes really personal and the memorial becomes more than a memory."

So choose carefully when planning your lasting tribute to your loved one and select a company who is going to take loving care over your "In loving memory".

Sincere thanks to the staff of J Rotherham for their contribution to this post.  J Rotherham has branches throughout Yorkshire. For more information and contact details please visit: www.jrotherhammemorials.co.uk 

A Monumental Muse

Muse

"As a verb, to muse is to consider something thoughtfully. As a noun, it means a person — especially a woman — who is a source of artistic inspiration." (Vocabulary.com Dictionary).

Everyday I deal with the aftermath of a death, and sometimes those who are dying, but, although the circumstances surrounding my work may be sad, my workplace is often filled with happiness and laughter as amusing incidents and characteristics of the person who has passed away are recalled and retold.

It helps to talk.  Not only does it help the family but it helps me to have an insight into a life well-lived.  The insight becomes a muse and the muse helps to create a memorial as unique and exquisite as the person to whom it is dedicated.

My office is set within the grounds of a beautiful Victorian cemetery.  It is a place of constant inspiration and I find myself choosing to wander amongst the graves, reading the inscriptions.  Musing (there it is again!) about the person who has passed away or the hand that has skillfully carved the stone, creating something beautiful beyond words. I can't help noticing how in parts nature is trying to reclaim the space, territorially wrapping its tendrils around an almost hidden stone.  It is a fascinating, peaceful place.  A place where you can rest for a while - or perhaps a little longer!

The cemetery has within its walls some beautiful memorials. Angels peacefully watch over those in their care.  Herbs grow within kerbs where they have been specially planted.  Walls reveal almost secret gates to the world outside, intricately shaped in wrought iron.  Butterflies abound, attracted to plants and shrubs grown specifically to become their habitat.  Standing in the middle of this is a Chapel, lovingly restored to its former glory.  It's a place you can celebrate the life of a loved one or choose to get married. 

The memorials I find myself visiting most often, however, are those which I have helped to create.  For these are the ones to which I feel the most connection as I stand and muse for a little while about how to live in the hearts of the people we leave behind is not to die.